Before the Bend

Before the bend

You are steadfast,

Sure,

Steady.

You stand armored

In certainty;

It shields you from

Discomfort,

Dissuading static.

You've yet to face

The icy shatter,

Reality unraveling.

That solid place

Feels safe; that

Canopied illusion.

Stalwart,

Anchored,

Free.

And then it all

Crumbles,

Crashes, Dissolves,

Into dissolution, disarray.

The curtain flaps

And falls,

Flaccid,

Final.

And meaning

Mourns itself

For what it might have been

If all had remained

Unbroken.

A story so vivid,

A feeling so real

All revealed now

To be a hollow, haunted

Entertainment,

Distraction,

Lie.

And what is left

But what is bent

And broken?

And how do you

Begin

To build anew,

To flesh a new

Foundation

When creation

Itself

Is an illusion?

How do you not

Clutch, or care

Or cry

When everything

Is nothing

But a lie?

The Subtle Light of Fall

You know how the light changes in the fall? It gets a more golden-y, warm hue that can't help but induce feelings of pumpkins on doorsteps and baked squash and nostalgia for the simplest of things.

For me it feels more and more like things that are farther and farther away. Life has grown darker, harder, and infinitely more complex than I would have wished for (and still have mixed feelings about.) The complexity brings a richness and a depth of understanding that could never have been found inside of the worlds that I used to live in. And that complexity is tangled with a pain and sorrow and a struggle to know what to do with the way that life has changed.

Walking through the woods, I'm noticing just the subtlest, faintest tint of that familiar fall warmth. It still feels mostly like summer, and many people outside probably don't see that shift just yet, but I do. I'm sensitive to those subtleties. Especially when they sadden me. The simple things that I search for in that light, that I long for to soothe me, feel out of reach.

There are new joys, new comforts, new mountains to climb and things to learn. Yet I realize that life has definitively turned the page on a chapter that I hadn't realized yet I wasn't quite ready to finish. I feel sad inside for that nostalgia.

But I am not in yesterday. Not anymore. There is only one direction to move, and that is forward.

Maybe in letting go of the things that I want to hang on to, the change doesn't have to feel quite so bad.

True Nonconformity

I’m getting really tired of hearing this argument over and over that doing anything that aligns with what is considered “mainstream” means that you are a blind sheep that doesn’t know how to think for yourself.

Any time you are convinced that there is only one accurate view of reality, and anyone else who doesn’t subscribe to that school of thought must be unintelligent and blind, you have instantly narrowed your field of view and become blind yourself. Just because that worldview is centered around the idea of rebelling for rebellion’s sake, does not mean that you are actually a nonconformist. In fact, the idea of nonconformity is more popular than ever. Dare I say… even mainstream?

You want to know what’s conformist? Fighting. Segregating. Judging and criticizing people for their perspectives. Labeling other people as stupid and walling yourself off in your own comfy bubble so that you can hide away from any worldview that makes you feel threatened in your own, because the idea of living in uncertainty is too terrifying to even consider.

More than being subject to “mainstream thinking” we are much more subject to our ego, our emotions, and all of the unconscious drivers that cause us to make the decisions that we do. Those are the things controlling and manipulating us; not the external forces that we love to point fingers at. And both the ego inside of us as well as the mainstream is telling us over and over and over that we are smarter than, better than, in the right, and we need to pick a side and FIGHT.

You want to actually rebel?

Start genuinely listening to people that you don’t agree with. Start finding it within yourself to have respect for them as human beings. Start practicing empathy— it’s a muscle, you either use it or it atrophies.

Find the common ground that connects you rather than sorting and labeling people into camps of “good” and “bad”. Recognize that there is a part of you that judges others and feels threatened by those who think differently than you do, and it comes out sometimes; but don’t allow that part of you to make all of your decisions for you.

Realize that it is possible to strongly disagree with someone and still see them as a person and treat them with respect. Take the time to consciously consider things that don’t immediately align with your current perspective.

Remind yourself that just because you believe something so strongly that it burns hot inside of you and fills you with fury, isn’t an indicator of your level of rightness.

Open doors, build bridges, have impossibly hard conversations.

That is true nonconformity.